Picture Perfect Masquerade

Personal.

So I had this nightmare that I hadn’t had in a long time…

Its the one where a small scene is taken and put into a completely different context (that scene where Adam surprise-kisses me) in such a way that I can’t wake myself up before it happens.

[See, before it would be in the same context, so eventually I would be able to make myself wake up, but lately it’s been put into different settings / atmospheres basically anything that throws me off even more…]

And so last night I dreamt that I was in this house similar to mine, and we were having a birthday party for someone and I was going upstairs to get something to drink and I ended up falling asleep, when I wake up it was dark everywhere and everyone was gone. I got out of bed and it’s quiet everywhere, when I hear rustling upstairs. I begin to walk up towards where my room usually is and when I open the door, I see Marhenza sitting on the bed watching a movie & she says ‘oh, Sarah, where have you been?’ and I mumble something I can’t remember and sit down next to her. W are watching the movie, when Adam bursts in and smiles at us. And he’s older and really attractive (yet it looks nothing like him, just his voice is the same). And they are talking but it just sounds like jumbled nothing’s. Then they begin looking around the room for something and I help them look because somehow I know they are looking for something important. Then when M and I are sitting towards the bed with are arms over the bed on the floor, I lean forward to get up & Adam is sitting on the bed in his stomach & that’s when I think it’s going to happen but I continue getting up and abruptly go to the bathroom. When I come out again, Adam is gone, so I relax and Marhenza says good night and I turn towards the door. I step out of the room into darkness, and the minute I close the door behind me, I feel his arms around me, pulling me closely. And everything he said to me in those last few days in Sngapore flash through my head and his hands cup my face. I look up into his face with the light shining just onto his eyes. Then he pulls my face to his and his lips feel like soft play-do against mine. And I know that if I don’t wake myself up soon, I won’t want to. And that point comes and passes as fast as I remember before and his hands are in my hair sending chills down my spine as he gets a better lock over me. Then another hand pulls my waste even closer to his, and his lips become more urgent and i pull my face away to breathe. He’s gasping , and his breathing licks my neck, and he giggles softly, sending alarm and more chills through my whole body. And when his breathing levels, he pulls me in for another kiss and I finally open my eyes and see his eyes, and it golts me awake in my bed.

I’m crying and my whole body burns.
And I screwed up my whole day. And I don’t know how to explain to anyone I’m close to here what’s bothering me when or if they ask… I just..
Don’t know.

11/05/10

two groups of words that are overly over-used these days

emotions people throw around 

thinking that they don’t sting.

refusing reality, 

awaking dream to the harsh 

sun & wind.

blistering the hands that become so accustomed 

to this silly, sad charade

to cover up what they don’t want to face.

Love & Hate.

kristenisacat thanks for the follow.

mysticmaverick thanks for the follow.

07-14-10

My eyes burn with tears.

I wasn’t supposed to shed them,

not now,

not here.

mascara silly stains,

all over my pillowcase

and my face

and his white shirts.

I’ve lost my voice

words escape me.

I feel dry,

in this empty room.

I miss him.

I miss them.

I miss the memories.

that we can’t even have.

I’m lost

in the middle.

When the world around me

is fast asleep.

And my restless heart

wanders.

And my races ahead of me.

Too much time to think

too much darkness,

satan’s playground.

Praying for silence,

a kind that’s defeaning.

a kind that’s consumeing.

Where it’s all gone,

momentarily.

The noise,

the violent missing,

the voices,

the heart beating wildly,

the burning tears.

The kind that I wasn’t supposed to shed.

Not tonight.

Not here,

on this cold floor.

Staring at the wicked mirror,

wondering how long

I’d let this go too far.

ask, tell, vent. anything:

here

Take a deep breath
and walk through the doors.
Its the only way out.
since when did death
become a compromise?
no point in running away!
there’s no other way!
then you gave it a label
SHE.
her fate became fatal
SHE had no breath to say
no vote to sway
no way out
SHE didnt cry, or shout
the they took HER away.
death became your compromise

06-23-09

A tear for every
word left unspoken.
Every question left unaswered,
all bunched up in a feeling.
Left unexplained.
Undefined.
The last few minutes spent with you,
watching you walk off the bus
away from me.
Taking part of my porclein heart.
Left alone with nothing but echoes.
Forever repeated.
Bouncing, thrashing in me.
Keeping me bounc from free.
Just left to wonder
if ill ever see you again.
If ill ever know.
Dissapointment surging,
intruding into my last pictures of you,
betraying my confidence with myself
to lock this mood into
a Happily Never After.

07-14-09

She fought restlessly on her sleep awake
sweaty coldness on her face.
She opened her eyes closed and screamed
the silence was defening.
Then the ugly angel moved her body still
and her eyes dried themselves wet.
But the fear tears moved nowhere.
They stuck like the words free in throat.
And as she motionlessly walked into the light,
her cold dead heart beat madly still
in His arms.